Now, this is the first post I'm posting here. And I wanted this post to be in my other blog because I wanted to push myself. But I decided against it. I'll write another one there, a little more inspirational but for now... Now, I just want to burst every bit of emotion I have. So, if you don't have the time or couldn't give two cents about me, please don't bother reading this. It'll probably take away 10 minutes of your life, depending on how fast your read, of course.
I will also be revealing parts of myself as you read this horrible summary of my academic life thus far. This is a warning and don't say I never warned you. Seriously.
I'll begin by introducing the first issue at hand; me. I always wanted to be brilliantly intelligent like many people. Sadly, I was never given the brains and attention-span to hold an informative book in front of me for more than an hour and the information in my head for more than five seconds, which to be honest, sucks [[insert a whole load of cuss words here.]]
I never had the interest in textbooks. However, as I was a high school student I had no choice but to try. And I did. I really did. I studied my butt off and tried to juggle social life and my side activities (sports, clubs, etc.). Have you seen those charts where they label sleep, social, study and so on and they ask you to pick three only. Yeah, I chose Side Activities, Social and Academic. However, I believe because I chose Academic last, I was weakest in it but not to the point of utter failure. BUT that ALSO meant that my weakest 'whatevers' was Sleep, Food and whatever else.
I picked the three most exhausting labels... Why? I have no idea. God knows why I chose them. I had fun though; the only upside for it. The downside, loads of other things. No, I won't delve into that; it's too large and vague of a topic and I'm not in the mood to think about that. Rather I'd prefer to discuss what's causing it at the moment.
You see. When I get anxiety. I get it for a reason. The last thing I always want to do is look for friends. Cause that's when I realise I really don't have one that can comfort me or handle me at my worst. And it messes you up automatically, trust me, and makes it worse. So... Guess what's the first thing I did when my heart beat got faster, my food was at my throat and my fingers barely able to stay completely still; I looked for friends. Threw me off. And it hit me, they're my age. We're going through the same crap. But -there is a but- they don't feel the anxiety I have. They probably have their moment and deal with them in a different way, but mine... I calm mine down with something sharp. That's the difference. No, I'm not some suicidal, attention seeking asshole, It helps take my mind of it. It's like, instantly my mind goes to the pain and I calm down; much like a distraction from my thoughts. It wrecks the train of thoughts or at least pulls it's breaks then goes, "Wait, physical pain has been inflicted. We have to handle that first!"
I'm gonna try and calm down now. Try.
I don't even know if I want to be doing Education or TESOL here. I don't know what'll happen if I do something else. I'm staying away from Law... I remember why I want to stay away from Law. I have to say no to Animation, Graphics and Design. MasCom is out of the question. I'm distancing myself to the end of the World with anything pure Science and Math related, just cause I don't have that kind of brain. Social Studies, no idea. I can't think of anything else that'll interest me and I'm all out of interests that can land me a secure job at this point. I'm picky I know, but I can't risk losing money and be selfish about it.
What more is that I don't even know where I'm going. My goal was to always go as far away as possible and I mean that. But my parents seem to think otherwise. I don't know, apparently to my mom I have no higher-order thinking skill. And I don't know how to prove that I have them to her. I took Literature in High School, which mind you for a Malaysian Government High School is pretty fucking high order thinking and I'm in the school's debate team. I don't know what she sees in me that's untrustworthy alone or can't do shit by myself.
I'm sorry. I'll try again.
I'm not pissed off with her or anyone at this point. I'm frustrated with myself. Why? Why is something so freaking simple ruining my mind. It's not important, everyone's told me that. Yet, it's as though it's been drilled into my head that the present will determine future. So, my actions has its consequences not just to myself but others as well. And picking a college and coming to terms with the course I'm not even sure I want anymore is basically dragging me through the dirt.
I feel like I'm in a tunnel and the only bright light at the other end is a train's headlights; a train called life. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused. And everything isn't making sense here or there. I just want to feel safe again. Safe and free. But it's been so long since I've felt both, I believe I've forgotten what either feels like anymore. Friends around me are talking about love. They're talking about the future and I just want to live in the moment.
People always tell me, "God helps those who helps themselves," even in Chinese they have a quote similar. The problem is, I don't know what is 'helping myself'. Cause everytime I find something happy it lasts eight seconds and the rest of the 23 hours 59 minutes 52 seconds is where I wallow is self-pity, depression and whatever else you would think of to label me after this post. But trust that out of the hours of the twenty-four that I am awake, a 'resting-nice-face' is set upon the baby face I own.
I'm tired and restless and my mental physic is not exactly my best friend right now. I just wish this was as easy as people always says it is. But then nothing good ever came easy, right? At least, I have the Hufflepuff in me to remain a little more optimistic in situations like these after calming down from the high that is my anxiety; another flaw I've come to own since birth.
I haven't exactly figured out how to sign out from these posts yet. It was a spur of the moment. So, for now I guess... I'll see you around.
-SimplyySarah-
